


Some Day, Somewhere, Somehow

by SquateX



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: All the Diamonds suck, Little Homeworld, Recovery is hard for Spinel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-10-10 21:36:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20534981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SquateX/pseuds/SquateX
Summary: In hindsight, it didn’t take future vision to conclude that the Diamonds weren’t exactly the right kind of love that Spinel needed, seeing as they reflected the same sort of temporary infatuation as Pink had. They adored Spinel until they did not, finding her irritating; cherishing her as an object rather than accepting her as a person, becoming bored of her charm when it was no longer new and exciting.Or: Spinel returns to Earth.





	1. Prologue

She’d held out a little longer than one would expect, even beyond her future vision.

But as predicted, Garnet found Spinel sitting on the cliff by the lighthouse alone. In hindsight, it didn’t take future vision to conclude that the Diamonds weren’t exactly the right kind of love that Spinel needed, seeing as they reflected the same sort of temporary infatuation as Pink had. They adored Spinel until they did not, finding her irritating; cherishing her as an object rather than accepting her as a person, becoming bored of her charm when it was no longer new and exciting.

Clearly Spinel had identified this pattern, but even more impressively (to Garnet) she’d had the courage to remove herself from the situation rather than have it turn into a mess like last time. In the few months she’d been with the Diamonds, she’d clearly been thinking about her worth.

It was only a matter of _what_ she had been thinking.

Garnet slowly took a seat next to the little gem, and debated on stirring her from her thoughts. On one hand, Garnet knew self-reflection was healthy, and so was taking time to oneself. On the other and more likely case occurring, she knew that Spinel struggled with obsessive, one-track minded train of thought, sometimes which derailed and spiraled into deeper, poisonous thoughts about her self-worth.

She decided to speak, quietly, keeping her voice steady. “Spinel.” The little pink head turned slightly, and Garnet pauses, checking her visions, before finding the future in which Spinel responds. “Does Steven know you’re here?”

Spinel’s hair twitched, whether out of acknowledgement or surprise, Garnet couldn’t tell. She wasn’t a mind reader. Slowly, the black streaks of Spinel’s face became visible in the dusk as the pink gem looked up, a distant expression in her eyes. “... No.”

It took everything in Garnet to not just scoop Spinel up like she would with Steven when he was smaller. The numb, crushed breath that carried Spinel’s voice sent quivers through Garnet’s core. The sound of pain, the voice of loss. And Spinel _was_ lost – Garnet knew that feeling – she was lost, confused, hurt.

But Spinel had no fight left in her. It was probably the only thing keeping her from going off on everyone in her path.

So she had given up as well, then.

Garnet granted Spinel a moment to think, a moment to gather her thoughts into sentences. “I don’t,” She started, keeping her voice at the same level as Garnet’s, “I don’t want him to know I’m here. I don’t want anyone to know I’m here.” Spinel sounded defeated, crushed. Her hands shakily cover her face. “I thought, how? Why would I ever be accepted here, after causing everything to go so wrong- so I went with the Diamonds, and now-” she hiccupped, “They don’t want me neither!” The tears spilling from her eyes were thick and unrelenting. A bitter grin, she scrubbed her face. “I blew it, I blew it, I blew it. What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone like me?”

How do you begin to tell a victim spiralling down the path of guilt and confusion that none of this is their fault? Garnet had known pain and grief; she had known what it was like to blame herself.

But she had had people to rely on to help her get through it.

Garnet hesitated, but smoothed her hand over Spinel’s back. Spinel recoiled from the touch, predictably. “It’s alright,” Garnet murmured.

Spinel bristled. “I don’t want your _pity_. I don’t want you to feel _obligated_ to deal with me.”

“Believe me, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” Garnet’s voice, calm and soothing as ever, her hand resuming its position on the smaller gem’s back. She stiffened, taken aback, gradually melting into the touch as Garnet rubbed a circular motion between her shoulders. “Sometimes,” Garnet murmured, “We meet people we think are perfect. We tell ourselves that we would follow them to the end of the Earth... even when they wouldn’t do the same for us. We’re so desperate for someone to love us, to approve of us. We trick ourselves into doing just about anything for that approval. But what we really need is to love ourselves.”

Spinel scoffed. “Yeah, yeah. _Loving_ yourself and _loving_ others for who they are, all that peace and _loveee_ talk- I’m perfectly loving of me, thank you very much. I’m great.” That last part dripped with sarcasm.

Garnet thought that maybe Spinel didn’t really have a grasp on what love really was. Perhaps she was limited to the superficial love, the kind of love you’d find in the honeymoon phase of friendships and relationships, where everything is perfect and arguments just don’t happen. She considered telling Spinel this, but understood pretty quickly that it would just be _words_ to her - it wouldn’t sink in unless Spinel had experienced different kinds of love.

Spinel didn’t seem to mind the gaps of silence in which Garnet analyzed her. She seemed highly distracted, distant. “I really don’t want him to know I’m here.” Spinel repeated softly. “I don’t want to see him.”

While Garnet didn’t understand, she also knew when to not probe into someone’s business. “That’s fine,” Garnet reassured her. “It’s your decision.” Another pause. “What are your plans from here?”

“I’m not sure anymore.” Spinel admitted. “I just... really needed to get away. From that.”

Garnet smiles in the darkness, watching the distant ocean ripple in the moonlight. “May I offer a suggestion? Somewhere away from Steven?”

Spinel’s eyes widen in curiosity.


	2. Fetch Quest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel is on a fetch quest. Thanks, Garnet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for all of your love and support! It REALLY bothered me that Spinel went with what to me seem like emotionally and mentally manipulative aunts and grandma. Well, Blue is okay-ish. She's doing her best. But Yellow straight up laughed at Spinel's pain ("haha 6000 years that's nothing" F*** YOU YELLOW). Anyway. I'm glad you all are enjoying it. I hope I can write Spinel right. Hit me up with suggestions for the story! Maybe we can work on this together!

Of all the places and things Garnet could have suggested, she’d sent Spinel on a damn fetch quest.

There could have been worse things, Spinel supposed. Her shoes squeaked as she trekked, grumbling across the wide landscape. She felt the brisk autumn breeze run through the ponytails sticking off her head, twitching in mild irritation. The place Garnet had suggested didn’t even have a_ warp pad_, which meant Spinel had to travel on foot _and_ narrowly avoid being seen by Steven or his friends.

Yet that part was surprisingly easy. Along the beach coast and earthy trail that Spinel followed on her way to Beach City, the boy was nowhere to be seen. Paranoid as she was, looking over her shoulder and constantly keeping her surroundings under surveillance, she didn’t see the familiar curls of his hair, the friendly sparkle in his eyes that made her feel sick. She knew that, if she saw him, she wouldn’t be able to stand the sight.

In his absence, though, in_ everyone’s _absence... Spinel stopped in her tracks, closing her eyes and taking in the smells and sounds. A very earthy smell, like wet dead leaves, floated in the air around her. The faint smell of something she had yet to discover, maybe a different plant, but... it spiced the smells of the air, surrounding her in a warm embrace. She opened her eyes.

She was surrounded by trees, painted stunningly bright oranges and yellows. The spattered leaves were blots of warm colours, near death but so full of life. They seemed even brighter than Yellow Diamond’s presence. So much brighter. The Earth’s woodland inhabitants scuttled along the forest floor, rustling in the crumbling dead leaves, leaving a resounding crunch all around her. Above her head, sunlight streamed through the leaves, dancing in between the bobbing branches.

It was so...

This wasn’t a feeling she was able to identify. It was an ancient feeling, a primal one, one that was an original. But not for Spinels.

Spinels were constantly full of energy, bouncing from one place to the next, eager to take on their next task of cheering someone up. There was no time for “in-between” feelings.

Spinel found that she very much... _ enjoyed _the walk, a lot more than she thought she would.

She continued on her path, feeling the twigs snap beneath her magenta shoes. She rubbed her cheek, not nearly ready enough to_ smile_ again, but... taking solace in the sounds of the Earth was plenty enough for her. Being by herself, which she found happened a lot these days, was all the company she needed.

Maybe it was a dumb idea to rush into relationships after being in solitude for 6000 years. It was almost impossible to avoid, though. Companionship is alluring when you’ve been starved of it, especially for that long. It was a strange thing, though... she wanted more than anything_ now _to avoid the people who extended their hand in friendship. A living contradictory.

She supposed Garnet had a good idea in mind when she instructed Spinel to search out a human called “UmGregUniverse”.

Pink’s Pearl had been calling a human that, when Spinel had reformed from her gem within the confines of Steven’s house. And continued calling him that.

Steven called him “Dad”.

Spinel wondered what she was supposed to address him as. Seeing as Steven had _two_ names – “Steven” and “Universe” and UmGregUniverse shared that second name, she deduced his first name was “UmGreg”.

“UmGreg it is,” Spinel declared.

The earth beneath her feet quickly turned into the boardwalk as she travelled. Overhead, the once crystal-clear skies slowly filled with clouds, turning a bright day into a typical overcast autumn afternoon. Her pink eyes watched in fascination.

Everything _changed _here. Maybe she could, too.

The sound of crashing waves on the sand brought her spiralling back into reality. Around her, humans were bundled up in heavier clothing, passing her with a brief look of faint recognition. The temperature of the air certainly was_ chillier_ than it was when she arrived here months ago.

Leaves danced in the breeze as she turned a corner, keeping her eyes peeled for UmGreg. Cobblestone roads gave way into a street filled with shops. Steam smoked from the roofs of some of them. As she walked, she became more aware of plenty of eyes on her. Spinel rubbed her arms self-consciously. Surely the humans weren’t so put off by a new gem?

She was startled by sudden movement beside her. Spinel looked down, catching sight of a little human, eerily staring at her from behind the trashcans. He was stunningly blond and pale, and his brightness was an incredible contrast to the fluffy jumper and scarf he wore. His eyes were wide, owlish, unblinking. She suppressed a crept-out sneer at his unblinking gaze and knelt to his level.

“Have you... seen UmGregUniverse around? I’m supposed ta be lookin’ for him.” Spinel explained, her hair rising at his continued silence. She felt like she was being scanned top to bottom. He gave her a blank look, then as the moments passed his eyes flickered with curiosity, and he gestured for her to follow.

“Welp, I ain’t got anything better to do.” Spinel sighed, shrugging her puffy sleeves as he held out a hand for her to take. Gently, she hesitated but slipped her bigger, gloved hand around the small human’s.

He might as well have ripped her arm off as he immediately took off running through the neighbourhood. Faces and Houses were a blur as Spinel struggled to keep up with his sudden movement. Were all young humans this energetic?

As the scenery blended into colours and shapes, they dodged trashcans and pipes as the child led her alley after alley, shortcut after shortcut, up and over fences. Spinel thought her arms would stretch right off of her body.

Just as they passed one more corner, the human child skidded to a halt, releasing her and watching as Spinel comically slinkied across the road on her own, her face planting in a driveway. Grumbling, she sat up, rubbing her face and throwing a scowl over her shoulder at the boy who smiled innocently and crept back into the shadows of the alley.

“Weirdo,” Spinel muttered under her breath, shakily standing on her feet. The squeaks of her shoes, which she once found endearing, were steadily becoming obnoxious. Growling, she looked around her. “Where did he _ take _ me?”

A large sign before her read something about a car wash. Whatever a “car” was, it apparently needed a washing so regularly that humans have a designated station for it. Squinting at the sign, Spinel lifted a hand over her brow to block the light, making a face. The driveway was mostly empty, save for some sort of vehicular device, large and sturdy, rectangular.

Someone’s bizarre sounds emitted from it. Curious, Spinel waddled over to the back of the vehicle, peering inside. There lay UmGregUniverse, under layers of blankets with the doors swung wide open. It must have been nice to let the autumn breeze sweep out the old air inside the vehicle as he... did whatever activity he was doing. He was laying still, with his eyes closed. A strange rumbling sound coming from his open mouth. Was he even aware of his surroundings?

She peered closer, face inches away from his. “Y’ello? UmGregUniverse?”

She leapt back as the large human yelped in surprise, shooting up from his cozy position on the van floor. Drool hung from his mouth which he hastily wiped, frantically looking around until his wild eyes land on her. “What- who are you? What are you doing here?” He stuttered, still not quite conscious yet.

She made a face. “You don’t remember the face that almost ended the Earth?” Spinel said that with a little bitterness in her voice, teeth gritted as she was forced to remember acting so outlandish.

UmGreg blinked at her, one eyelid at a time. “Uhhh... I dunno how to answer that, pal, but the Earth has almost been destroyed by many different gems too many times to count.” He examined her, more observant. “I remember, I guess you’re the most recent one, right?”

Multiple attacks on the Earth? This was... news to her. Spinel blinked, eyes darting around the floor. “Uh,” she stumbled, trying to regain momentum, “Garnet told me to find you.”

UmGreg sat up, stretching, and wincing at the sound of his bones cracking. “I’m getting too old to help with this gem stuff,” he sighed, rubbing his beard. “Does she need something?”

“Uh, no.” Spinel said hastily. “She told me... you might be able to help me.”

He looked surprised by this but smiled nonetheless. As tired as he looked, he was equally as warm and welcoming. Something within Spinel stirred, something she thought she had suppressed.

“Well,” UmGreg ventured slowly, “I’m no good at this gem stuff, but if it’s something you think I can help with, I’ll do my best. Whatcha need?”

The question stumped Spinel. What_ did _she need? What did Garnet think UmGreg could help her with? What did Garnet think Spinel needed? Why didn’t she ask these questions _before _she went looking?

Apparently, the pause was too long, as UmGreg gave a good-natured sigh and patted the space beside him in the vehicle. “Sit down, and start from the beginning.” He instructed, smiling tiredly.

She hesitated, her hands lifting in front of her uncertainly. “What... beginning?”

He chuckled. “The beginning of what you need help with.”

_ Pink. _

Oh.

UmGreg gestured once again to the empty area beside him, and Spinel swallowed the lump in her throat. Stiffly, she forced her legs to move and sat among the little plastic boxes with disks inside them scattered among the vehicle floor. She looked up at him for reassurance, to which he offered a well-practiced, fatherly smile.

She took a deep breath, hoped that the Sapphire within Garnet knew what she was doing, and told him everything.

She told him about how she loved Pink, how Pink always looked after her and took care of her, laughed at her silly jokes. How she looked up to Pink. How she felt safe.

She told him about the 6000 years of silence, waiting for Pink to come back, beginning to doubt if she was playing the game right. Night after night, staring into the endless stream of stars in the sky. How alone she felt.

She told him how she felt like an idiot, played for a fool when the brief clip of Steven blipped into the garden communicator. She told him she felt... shattered. She was surprised when his eyes softened in understanding. He must have some gem knowledge if he understood that her feelings were not just metaphorical.

Throughout all of this, his patience was outstanding. Spinel was surprised to find compassion in his eyes, not shock or even recoiling at her descriptions of her psyche break, her desire for bloodshed, and the fluctuating feelings towards Steven – _his son_.

Once she started talking though, she found she couldn’t stop. Tears started to trickle down her cheeks as she talked about now, as she wondered what she was supposed to do, why no one loved her, was there something wrong with her? Why was it so hard to trust people no matter how much she wanted to love them and for them to love her? Why didn’t she want to be anywhere near Steven, even though he was the one to redeem her? How could she fix what was wrong with her? How come she didn’t stop feeling horrible after all those things she did, even though she’d been forgiven? Why couldn’t she stop thinking about it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and ag—

UmGreg was rubbing her back, his soft words going through one ear and out the other. The world around her swirled. Why couldn’t she hear him, it was all noise, for some reason she was heaving air but even though she didn’t have lungs it never seemed to be enough-

“In through your nose. Out through your mouth.”

Suddenly she was wrapped in blankets, leaned against the wall of the vehicle. In her hands were “donuts”, and she realized she was chewing, morphing taste buds to feel the explosion of sweetness in her mouth. The senses allowed her to slip back into the present, her head slowly, shakily looking around. UmGreg was fiddling with a device up front, which was playing a steady stream of classical music. All of her senses rushed back at once. The sound of water pattering on the ground from the sky rattled on the ceiling. It was slightly darker outside, the smell of water mixed with asphalt flooding her nose.

Overwhelmed, confused, her voice came in a faint whisper. “What... what happened. Where am I?”

UmGreg looked over his shoulder, a smile overcoming his concerned features. “Hey, buddy!” He stumbled over the debris on the floor as he made his way back to her. “You zoned out for a while there. It’s been maybe... half an hour?” She looked distraught and confused. Gently, UmGreg sat down beside her. “Enjoying the donut?” He asked with a smile. She slowly looked down at the donut in her hand and swallowed the mush in her mouth. Wordlessly, she shovelled the rest into her mouth, causing a soft chuckle from UmGreg.

They sat in silence as Spinel registered that UmGreg knew everything about her and still hadn’t shown any sign of disgust of her. She stared at him, eyes round in wonder. Clearly, he noticed, offering a confused grin. “Something the matter?” UmGreg asked, sympathetic.

Spinel squinted. “I don’t... understand.”

“Understand?”

“You... you know everything. How do you _not _hate me? How haven’t you kicked me out?” She began to pull her hair, the sting of her scalp combating the tense anxiety gripping her. Gently, his hands guided hers away from her hair, setting them in her lap. He shook his head.

“We’ve all felt abandoned, Spinel.”

_ Abandoned_. Was that the feeling?

“How-” Spinel stammered. “How do you get over it? How do you get rid of it?”

He offered a pained smile. “You don’t get over it or rid of it, kiddo. You sit in it. Let yourself feel it. Process it. Then... after a while, you come out of it. You change. And eventually, when you look back on it... it doesn’t hurt anymore.” Spinel’s eyes, full of awe, rounded even more. He sounded like an experienced veteran in the journey of emotions, something she was trekking on herself.

She looked down at her hands, fiddling with them. “It... feels like it will be a while before I get there.”

UmGreg offered an encouraging smile, sitting a hand on her shoulder. “And that’s okay. Everyone takes their time healing. Maybe it’ll take you a little longer, but that’s okay.” He thought for a moment, tapping his chin. “I think the advice I can offer you the most right now is... take comfort in yourself. You don’t need to cling to someone to feel less alone. You’ve gotta feel comfortable in your own company. And then, when you _ do _ find people you’d like to spend time with... you’re not as afraid to trust that they’ll treat you well.”

Spinel breathed out softly, letting the words wash over her. Something about them brought comfort to her. She thought about her time in the forest, enjoying a walk on her own. It had felt... nice. Not to worry about what anyone thought. She leaned her head back against the wall of the vehicle. Maybe it would take a while to get completely comfortable in her own presence, but it seemed like she’d made a good start.

Together, UmGreg and Spinel watched the rain come down in silence, enjoying each other’s company wordlessly.


	3. Waterlogged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lapis calls out Spinel's crap. ((After kidnapping her.))
> 
> OR:
> 
> Spinel fails at one thing but takes a different step towards recovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE: This is sort of my interpretation of how Lazuli has matured over the two years, and how she's come to terms with her trauma. Sorry if it feels OOC but we have no idea how she's changed over the two years so I've given myself a bit of liberty and let her be a goofy gem at some points while still (hopefully) holding onto some of her characteristics.

Greg gently but firmly fastened a garment of clothing around Spinel, guiding her arms through the sleeves and kneeling to zip up the navy-blue, padded denim jacket. It was Steven’s when he was fifteen, but should fit the little gem nicely, he thought idly to himself. She was about the size he was then. As Greg fiddled with the zipper, pulling it to her neck, he felt Spinel’s eyes follow him in childlike curiosity. Normally he’d have been a bit crept out by a silent pair of eyes observing him (Peridot had certainly made her impression when they’d first met), but strangely, he found it... endearing. 

He began buttoning up her jacket for good measure, and then stood up, stretching his back as the aches from him crouching emerged. Greg smiled at her, small and encouraging. She seemed like a small child buried under the bitterness of being left behind, coating her like a toxic layer of paint. It ate away at her – anyone could see that when they held a conversation with her, he knew. Contently, Greg hummed to himself as he grabbed a bright, mustard-yellow scarf from the hangar on his van wall and wrapped her up in it.

[](https://www.flickr.com/gp/184423917@N04/h28X85)

“Ya know, I coulda just _shifted_ into something a little warmer,” Spinel said pointedly, but he could tell by the hesitation in saying so that she was very happy beneath the dry humour. 6000 years without a gesture of love or kindness. He couldn’t begin to imagine it. It was the least he could do to make sure she was warm and, at the very least, had someone to reach out to when she felt she couldn’t bear being alone.

He tucked the scarf into her jacket and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Ready to go?” Greg asked her cheerfully. Her once facetious, sarcastic smile morphed into a chilled expression of uncertainty, looking down at her feet. Greg couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight of a gem looking so young – considering they didn’t “grow up”. “I know it’s hard to get used to being on your own,” he comforted her quietly, “but trust me, this will become a lot easier in the long run.”

And boy, did she have a long run, being immortal and all. It almost broke his heart, but simultaneously Greg knew that with Garnet and Steven, Spinel was in good hands.

Spinel took a deep breath per his instructions, and breathed out slowly. She made fists of her magenta hands, looking determined. “Okay. Okay. I got this.”

“Remember what I told you, okay? If at any time it becomes too much, you come back or you find Garnet. Okay?” With Steven all but close to adulthood, Greg couldn’t help but fuss a little and worry about this one. Thankfully, she seemed to accept any kind of caring gesture. He supposed that after her experiences, she certainly wasn’t picky.

“Now it’s your turn to calm down,” Spinel snickered, lifting an eyebrow as her arms crossed in front of her chest. Seeing her in higher spirits let him relax a little, and he chuckled, scratching his head.

“Yep.” Greg stepped back and turned her around back to the direction of the boardwalk. “Sometimes, a good place I like to spend time on my own is by the beach. It can be pretty nice. So when you get there, you find a bench, sit down, and close your eyes-”

“- and let everythin’ “flow”. I remember.” She deadpanned and then grinned. “I’m not sure what that means, but I guess I’ll find out.” Spinel shrugged his hands off of her shoulders and smiled at him weakly. It was bizarre, given they had only met several hours ago, but it felt easy to slip into a kindred friendship with this human. She felt a genuine, small smile grace her lips. “I’ll see you around, UmGreg.”

“It’s Greg,” he corrected her with a playful roll of his eyes. 

It was a bizarre jolt of a familiar feeling, a surprising emergence from the subconscious of her mind. A refreshing reminder of who she was: without thinking, she stuck her tongue out facetiously. “S’more fun to say UmGreg.” Spinel crowed, as she began to walk off in the direction of the boardwalk. She watched as he shook his head with a grin before he headed back into his van. She bounced away down the street.

And for a moment, everything felt like maybe, maybe it would be okay, but then-

_ Do I deserve to be helped? _

The thought was bizarre and unprovoked, and immediately her improvement in mood dampened like a campfire being drowned. She came to a slow and shuddered, shaking her head, feeling the light lash of her ponytails as they smacked her face. Yet the thought remained, hanging over her head, waiting to strike again like the venomous viper it was. And she wondered.

_ Do I deserve to love myself? _

And wondered.

_ Do I deserve to be happy? _

_ Á̶̪̫͂̄̏̑n̴̘̯̎͂d̵̰̭̪̅͐̓͋͘͜ ̶̡̞̣̼̳̅ẅ̷̧̦̻͍̝͖́o̷̘͆̄͘n̵͓̄̀d̷̞̻̗̒̇e̴̡͎͙̊͜r̶̬̭̽̇̓e̷̡̗̯͉͛̇͝d̷̟̘̀̊-̴͉̙̟̮͆ͅ _

Spinel stood in front of the beach - _no._ She was _in_ the water, up to her shins, letting the freezing, icy contents bring her mind to life. The sensation shocked the other senses into action, as they had before. The waters were a murky brown, bubbling as they crashed on the sandbanks and withdrew back into the ocean. She was faced out to the horizon, listening to the shrieking seagulls and watching them flutter above the sea as black silhouettes dancing among the clouds. The sun was higher in the sky, fluctuating in its shine as the soft feathers of the heavens passed in front of it.

As she came to, Spinel found the sense in her to retreat from the water. She couldn’t get hypothermia but _damn _was it cold. As her soggy feet squelched back into the soft sand, one foot in front of the other, she became aware of the strange looks she received from passerby humans. It probably wasn’t normal to see someone standing in freezing water in the middle of autumn.

Slowly, she hobbled to a bench nearby and sat among the crashing waves. She drew her legs up to her chest, forehead against her knees. 

She couldn’t understand. She’d taken a refreshing walk earlier, and it was so stimulating- why couldn’t she trust herself to be alone again? Why did she blank out again? Why was it so hard to do something she _already _has done? Her hands for her ponytails and her fingers clawed into them, pulling harder and harder. _ Close my eyes_, Spinel thought, fighting to take a deep breath. _ Close my eyes. _

_ Close my eyes. _

_ Close my eyes. _

The tension within her began to shrivel away and a pinch of excitement at the thought of succeeding twitched in her chest. _ I’m being alone, _ Spinel thought, delighted. _ I’m doing it, I— _

_ I don’t deserve this. _

“No,” Spinel said sharply, sitting upright. She held the sides of her head. “I-I _ do _ \- _ I do _deserve this-”

But she didn’t actually believe it. There was no conviction. How could she believe it, knowing everything that she’d done? Everything that she was_ now _was a result of attacking the Earth, attacking Steven. Her stress levels spiked as she held her arms, hugging herself as she stared blankly out into the ocean. She’d almost destroyed the very thing Pink had fallen in love with.

Was there any coming back from that? Or was that a point of no return?

Another twinge in her chest, this time at the thought of Pink. By all means, she _should _hate Pink. _ Pink _was the one who left her. _Pink _was the one who didn’t come back.

But Pink was _so wonderful_. So gentle, so kind, so compassionate, she _loved _ Spinel-

So it _had _to be something Spinel did, didn’t it? Because someone as wonderful as Pink had to have a good reason to leave her behind? But what did she do?

“No, no,” Spinel gasped, and she was reliving the stillness of 6000 years all over again. The anxiety, the confusion, the despair, why didn’t she come back, why did she leave Spinel all alone-

“Oh, hey. Another gem.” A calm, collected voice sounded from behind her.

“Looks like she came to enjoy the season too,” a louder, boisterous sort of chuckle followed.

The third was a little more nasally and pompous. “Yes, well. I don’t recognize her, so she definitely must be new to Earth’s weather system.”

The bolder voice pitched in, a grin in her tone. “Then let’s go introduce ourselves.” 

A large, light blue hand all but encompassed Spinel’s shoulder, causing her to jump. She whipped her head around and was face-to-face with Bismuth, whose eyes blinked with recognition. Bismuth took a step back out of surprise. “... Spinel?” She spoke slowly, lifting an eyebrow in confusion. Lapis and Peridot stood behind her, equally stunned. “I- Steven said you’d left with the Diamonds,” Bismuth stated in confusion. “What are you doing all the way out _ here _?”

“Taking a break, probably,” Lapis filled in, with an understanding smirk in her eyes. “They _ are _ a handful.”

Spinel found herself frozen, her mouth opening and closing as she struggled to breathe, struggled to speak. Steven’s friends had found her – what if they told him, what if-

“You should come to Funland with us,” Peridot blurted.

The invitation seemed out of character for the little green gem, and this was confirmed by the equally stunned looks on Lapis and Bismuth at her proposal. 

The two exchanged looks, and Bismuth grinned back at Spinel. “Well, you sure brought out an extrovert side to Peridot in five seconds, congrats.” the big gem chuckled, slamming Spinel’s back. The magenta gem looked back at them with round, owlish eyes. What was she supposed to say? _ Sorry-for-trying-to-kill-your-planet-and-also-your-leader-please-don’t-tell-him-I’m-here? _

Like that would go over well. Of course they’d want to tell him. He’d want to be prepared if anything happened.

Also, what was Funland?

“I,” Spinel got out. And frankly that was the only thing she got out before the Lapis scooped her up from under her arms, and suddenly the ground below her feet was about five feet away.

“And away we go,” Lapis smirked, looking down at Spinel with lazy eyes. She looked flippantly over her shoulder at Bismuth. “We’ll meet you guys in Funland.” Spinel barely had any time to think between this moment and the one before, feeling just as bewildered and confused. 

The teal gem’s wings were outstretched, and dare Spinel think it, the most beautiful things she’d ever seen. She’d only ever known Pink and the Diamonds, perhaps a handful of the court; she’d spent so much time in that garden that she barely saw a lick of what gems could really do-

The thought of the garden haunted her, and she pressed her eyes closed, squeezing them as hard as she could. Her mouth twisted into the familiar grimace, which the Lapis Lazuli must have seen because her voice was calm but firm. “Try anything and I’ll drop you.”

Spinel, a flash of hurt crossing her face, looked up to meet the Lazuli’s eyes. “I’m not-” 

“I know.” The Lazuli’s voice was softer this time, soothing. Even Spinel could tell that this was uncharacteristic. Lapis looked away. Spinel felt utterly oblivious at the moment. She was still reeling from suddenly not touching the ground anymore. Suddenly being in the water.

They drifted on the wind in what felt like an awkward silence, but the cherry pink gem couldn’t help but wonder if this whole... “snatching people up” thing was usual for the Lapis, too. She hadn’t known much of her, but from what she saw, the Lapis was a bubbly goofball with a calmer, more collected energy. So maybe it was?

Spinel wanted to be like that, more than anything. But any energy that came from her was destructive and angry. She watched Lapis’ wings flutter in the breeze, looking down on a land of lights, colour and chaotic clashes of music. A large, wheel-like structure with seats rotated slowly, and the next thing she saw was the Lapis pointing a slender blue finger towards it.

“Let’s give that a go before the others get here, okay?” Her voice was gentle, patient. Spinel floated in her mind, even as Lapis drifted into one of the empty seats on top of the Ferris wheel. Even as Lapis sat Spinel down, it was so hard to grasp what was happening.

She hated this feeling, hated slipping away from the present like grains of sand between her fingers. Once her bottom touched the seat, the view of Beach City left her searching for breath, for words, for thoughts.

The ocean sparkled, even in the autumn. Murky brown, maybe, but powerful and soothing. Spinel felt her eyes budding with tears too late, as they trailed down her face, distorting the black streaks on her cheeks. It was an amalgamation of the feelings, or the things that were happening too quickly that she couldn’t understand, the_ random_ gentleness from the Crystal Gems.

And she realized she was the ocean. She felt ugly, unwanted. But this gentleness and acts of kindness – _ Garnet, Greg, maybe even Lapis... _ \- made her feel like _more_ – until she was alone again, until she was forced to address her inner hatred, until...

“I recognized the look on your face, you know.” Lapis murmured softly from beside Spinel. “When you turned, and you looked at Bismuth. I saw it.”

Spinel lifted an eyebrow, not sure if the Lapis was really on the same page. This manifested itself something short of a scoff. “And what do you think you saw?” She asked, sardonic._ What am I doing? Why do I feel so defensive? _

Lapis kept her eyes cool, keeping a steady gaze as blue met pink. Clearly, she wasn’t falling for the distant, sarcastic guard. 

“Trauma,” Lazuli stated matter-of-factly. 

Spinel felt every hair on her head rise and bristle at the word. It carried so much weight; no, there couldn’t be something like that to her, Spinel had been the one to _cause _trauma. Lapis could see the weighing storm in her eyes but said nothing, letting the word settle in Spinel’s mind.

“No,” Spinel started, feeling the panic rush through her body, “No, definitely not.”

“Why are you scared?” Lapis asked softly, hesitating, looking down at her hand as she moved to place it on Spinel’s. “Once you know what’s wrong... you can work to fix it.”

“Because _I’m_ the one who caused trauma!” Spinel couldn’t help it. The confusion of the kindness, the patience, the hate of herself and of Pink but she loved Pink and it was all just so—“_I _don’t deserve the excuse! I don’t deserve for people to brush off my actions because of it! I don’t deserve-”

“You deserve patience. And kindness. Everyone does.” Lapis’ eyes were hard, determined. But her gentle grip on Spinel’s hand only squeezed a little. Spinel pulled away, unable to look at the blue gem.

“Even maniacs?” Spinel’s voice came as a soft whisper. 

Her words were met with silence at first, chilling quiet that was only interrupted by the faint whistling of the wind. Her words definitely weren’t received in the way she thought it would be.

Because Lapis actually laughed.

It started small, like a muffled snort as she tried to stifle it, but it grew. Spinel stiffened, glowering. “What’s so funny, Lazuli?” 

Lapis was just about dying. “S-Spinel,” she gasped between laughs, “literally everyone who’s ever tried to kill Steven has become friends with him. We’re all maniacs here. Welcome to Earth.”

Spinel’s eyes widened._ Multiple attacks on Earth_. “Wait, what?” She demanded, “I still don’t understand – it’s not funny, it’s horrifying!” 

Lapis, grinning ear to ear, wiped the tears from her eyes. “You’re right, you’re right. It’s not really that funny. It’s just –” She smiled, a little more genuine and tender. “You remind me so much of me, three years ago... Spinel, I’ve been a monster,” her deep blue eyes grew serious, yet still the calm waters they ever were. “I thought, at some point in my life, that the trauma of being hurt, and then hurting _others_ because of it would just... never leave. Being alone terrified me, because I was left with my thoughts.” Lapis crinkled her nose. “Intrusive thoughts... really suck. And when I saw the look on your face, I was right back there three years ago.” She rubbed her arm. “I had people there for me through that time, in the time I was learning to forgive myself – to let myself _change _into a better person.” Lapis looked up, and their eyes met meaningfully. “So... I wanted to try... being that person, for you. Since I’ve done the whole “trauma” thing.”

Something in her words rung true to Spinel, relatable and tender, but why- why was everyone so sickeningly nice? They only knew what she had done, wasn’t that enough to warrant hostility? Spinel looked to her lap, watching as they slowing rotated and approached the ground more and more. “... I think you’re right,” Spinel said, finally, following Greg’s advice and sitting in the feeling of anguish, feeling it burn like fire in her mind. “I think... I am traumatized.” 

Hearing Lazuli’s story had resonated with her own. It gave her the courage to admit that this was much, much more than what she thought it was.

Because if Lapis, of all people, could learn to forgive herself, then Spinel felt certain that she would eventually learn to, as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE: This is sort of my interpretation of how Lazuli has matured over the two years, and how she's come to terms with her trauma. Sorry if it feels OOC but we have no idea how she's changed over the two years so I've given myself a bit of liberty and let her be a goofy gem at some points while still (hopefully) holding onto some of her characteristics.


	4. Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Spinel has a fun day.  
Until she doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cuz it's not Steven Universe without the angst, mother trucker

As they rode the Ferris wheel down, Spinel spotted, among the tiny specks of humans on the docks, a fleck of blue and green among them. “Looks like they’re waiting for us,” Spinel observed, leaning over the rail curiously. From beside her Lapis watched through half-lidded eyes, a content smile on her lips.

“It’s nice to just slow down every once and a while. I _could_ do this myself, and fly, but,” Lapis waved her hand dismissively. “I’d like to give myself a break.” She looked back at Spinel. “And you a break, too.”

The unending patience gnawed away at her as Spinel, with cloudy eyes, searched Lapis’s expression for the slightest hint of sarcasm. Any sign, any hint that she’d turn around and fly away, leaving Spinel behind as Pink had done.

But there was nothing.

Slightly ashamed of projecting her fears onto someone who clearly had no intention of doing such a thing, Spinel twiddled her thumbs in her seat. “... How did you... deal with the thoughts?”

Lapis lifted an eyebrow. “The thoughts?”

“Intrusive thoughts, you called them,” Spinel clarified, frowning to herself. “The thoughts that make you question yourself. The involuntary ones.” _The thoughts that made me blank out again,_ Spinel added silently in her head.

Lazuli looked thoughtful, twirling a strand of blue hair between her fingertips. There was a pregnant pause as Lapis looked out at the water, eyes dark as she tried to recall her methods at a time when she was at her worst. “I’m not sure if telling you will make a difference,” she admitted, finally, meeting Spinel’s round eyes. “I don’t want you to think that just because something worked for me, it will work for you. Everyone is so different in how they experience things. You might take less time to recover than me, or more time.” Lapis tapped her cheek, trying to put her thoughts into words. “... What I think I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to lead you on with this idea, only to have for it to not work.”

Spinel couldn’t help but feel disheartened, sinking into her seat as her hair, too, melted from its spiky position. Noticing this, Lazuli was quick to reinstate her hand, laced into Spinel’s. Spinel, shoulders jumping a bit at the sudden movement, glanced back at Lapis, doing a double-take at their hands being more thoroughly intertwined.

“That doesn’t mean I’ll leave you in the dark,” Lapis murmured, eyes distant but her voice was determined. She narrowed her eyes, staring at their interlocked hands. “It’s just that... after a while... when you’re better at being by yourself, better at understanding your worth, better at being fearless, better at – well, _everything_, those thoughts just start to make less and less sense.” Lapis runs her free slender hand through her thick, navy blue hair. “And you start to wonder why the hell you’ve ever listened to them when they don’t line up with what you believe your worth is – and you _are worth something_.” Spinel felt a tingling chill brush up her back at the intensity of Lapis’ voice and the deep resolve in her eyes.

Spinel was suddenly hyperaware of how close they were, eyes and hand interlocked, the limpness of her arms and exhaustion in her eyes combated by Lapis’ determination to lift her up. The willful grin on Lazuli’s face almost set her free from the doubts she had of this conversation.

It was bizarre, having people believe in her when Spinel barely believed in herself. But she started to wonder-

Was this family? The idea of people being behind her, even when she fell or did them wrong, even when she didn’t believe in herself, the patience, _great stars_ the patience and kindness-

But Pink was so wonderful. But so was Garnet, Steven, Greg, Lapis. And they didn’t grow tired of her, didn’t play games with her mind. Even if Spinel had done something to provoke Pink’s abandonment, Spinel had done worse to Steven and he _still_ managed to get through to her and offer her love and his sickeningly sweet _kindness, patience_.

Was... Pink really as wonderful as she thought...?

“Hey, you two! You have fun?!” Bismuth boisterous yell echoed through the air, though Spinel felt her feet brush the ground and she realized that their conversation had completely made her forget that they were still moving towards the Earth again. The rails flipped up after a faint clicking, releasing them from the seats and leaving Mr. Smiley scratching his head as he tried to figure out if he had let them on the ride or not.

Lapis lifted into the air, scooping Spinel, this time around her chest and together they drifted over to where Bismuth and Peridot waited. The little gem tapped her foot impatiently as Spinel’s toes touched down on the boardwalk, Lapis following. “Did it _have_ to take you a _whole_ fifteen minutes, Lazuli? _I_ wanted to show off my superior metal bending skills in the ring toss.” Peridot added that last sentence with a flick of her wrist and a proud smile.

“The Ferris wheel usually takes _twice_ that amount of time,” Lapis half-heartedly defended, a lazy grin on her face, “I just dropped in when we were close to the top.”

“You did _what??_” Mr. Smiley all but shouted, having heard the conversation a few feet away. They all looked back at him, owl-eyed. Spinel grimaced, expecting a tongue-lashing, feeling her neck sink into her body from the cringe.

Then Lapis spewed out another snort, laughing, “_Run_!” as she grabbed Peridot and Spinel’s arms, her wings unfurled, and took off, leaving Bismuth to awkwardly make prolonged eye contact with the human. Hurriedly, Bismuth took off into a quick jog while shouting apologies over her shoulder, shaking her head at the gems she was partially responsible for.

“Hey, don’t leave me behind!” Bismuth yelped, lunging for Lapis’ leg. Lapis shouted in surprise, laughing as they all fell to the ground in a heap of colours. Bismuth carefully caught a squeaking Peridot, before being the soft landing for Spinel, Lapis landing on top of all of them. The three gems cracked up into laughter, and Spinel laid there with a giddy grin, mind pulling a blank as she tried to remember this feeling.

_Fun._

She was having fun.

And suddenly, the overcast day glowed even brighter than a hot summer afternoon.

Mr. Smiley puffed as he ran to catch up to them, bending over the heap of giggling gems with his hands on his knees. “I’m not as young as I used to be,” he gasped, “but I _promise_ you won’t be allowed back if you don’t give me the two tickets you needed to ride.”

“Ughhhhhh...” Peridot groaned from beneath Spinel, causing a giggle to erupt from the pink gem. Spinel rolled off of the little Peridot and struggled herself to crawl out from under Lapis. She landed with a thump on the ground beside Bismuth, who wore an exasperated grin as Peridot sat up. “I’ve got this.” The green gem muttered, stuffing her hand into her pockets and pulling out a string of tickets, plucking two off and handing them to the human.

He threw his hands up in vexation. “Why didn’t you do that in the _first_ place?!”

Peridot gestured exaggeratedly in the direction of Lapis, still snorting to herself, sprawled across Bismuth’s legs. “Because this clod flew off with me before I got the chance!”

Spinel felt another chuckle force its way up from her throat, watching the ridiculous exchange. A ghost of a smile touched the corner of her lips, and she closed her eyes, just for a moment.

She wanted to lay in this feeling.

Lapis smiled, wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes as Mr. Smiley returned to his post at the Ferris wheels. “You wouldn’t be able to live without ring toss, anyway,” she joked, her facetious excitement settling once more. She sighed, stretching as she finally stretched and rose to her feet. “Alright, we’ve “paid” for the ride. Let’s go try something else.”

“Just a minute,” Bismuth groaned as she sat up, rubbing the back of her head. She grinned at Spinel, something that delighted the smaller gem. “Peridot called Steven on our way over!”

Everything stopped.

Words, words were hard to find, and so was breath for a moment.

“.... _What_?”

Spinel mouthed, her cracked voice barely above a whisper. Her ponytails rose slowly, bristling with fear.

Bismuth grinned toothily from ear to ear. “She was so excited to show someone new her metal powers, she just rambled on and on about it to him.” The bigger gem rubbed her chin, brows furrowing a little in a look of confusion. “Though... he did seem pretty shocked that you were here, he was practically shouting. He’s on his way to meet us here. He must have missed you a lot to be this worried!”

_He’s on his way here._

Spinel was on her feet in an instant, stumbling as she backed and backed and backed up, she should have told them, she should have said something. Her eyes felt rigid, frozen in a petrified look of horror. _He’s on his way here._ The thought buzzed in her mind, she couldn’t face him, she _didn’t want him to know she was here—_

“_No!_”

The awful shriek clawed out of her mouth, a bloodcurdling scream that sent a ripple of shock through her companions. Her fingers curled tightly, everything within her body spiking with the adrenaline she dreaded would return. She heaved, her mouth twisting into the familiar grimace as she clawed at her hair, _<strike>calm down just please calm down</strike>_. She gripped with all her might and yanked, the sting sending a satisfying fuel coating her mind – but it wasn’t enough to stave off what she had been holding in since the Diamonds, since the confusion, the rejection, the kindness.

Since Pink.

The Fight or Flight response.

Lapis tensed, clearly identifying the pattern of relapse, and attempted to pull Peridot and Bismuth away to give Spinel space. Bismuth, her face contorted in concern and bewilderment, meant well as she reached out for Spinel’s shoulder, pulling away from Lapis. “Buddy, hey, what’s wrong?” Her voice was unusually quiet, and it was only for a moment that Spinel thought she could handle this before Bismuth’s hand gently made contact with Spinel’s shoulder.

_Fight?_

She jerked away, a look of venom and hurt and confusion and her arm reeled back, hand growing into a large fist –

“_Spinel!_”

And then she heard him.

And all of the energy, the buildup, the lingering adrenaline descended back into the corner of her soul like a balloon, drifting away.

Drifting away.

Drift away.

Spinel turned to Steven with magenta eyes full of tears and angst, confusion laced in her body language as she was torn. _Why do I want to hurt them so bad?_

_I just want to be your friend._

Her legs springing down, Spinel propelled herself far, far away from them. From Funland. From Steven.

_I don’t want to play anymore._


	5. More Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Steven tries to do the right thing and so does Amethyst - albeit very differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS THIS STORY BLEW UP??? THANK YOU SO MUCH????

A lot of things happened at once.

As Spinel sprung, determined to escape the situation, she felt someone's hand grab onto her leg. In feral panic, Spinel looked down to see Steven's hand wrapped tightly around her coiled leg, reaching out to her with his other hand.

"Spinel! Wait!" His voice cracked, revealing the desperation behind his grip. She struggled free, a surge of terror flooding through her system at his very touch.

"No," she breathed, anxiety squeezing her insides out. Her hair bristled, and she tried to rip away. "No! Let go!!"

"Steven, no!" Lapis exclaimed, a mixture of panic and frustration lacing her voice. It wasn't often she was cross with him but it was incredibly important to give trauma victims space and time to deal with their issues. Spinel was just beginning her journey to recovery; any exposure therapy before she was ready could leave her more traumatized than when she went in.

Lazuli threw herself forward, ripping his arm off of Spinel, doing her best to hold him back as he panicked, struggling. "Wait! I can help her! I can help her! Please!" He pleaded, looking at her with those eyes. They were confused and he must have felt so helpless at the moment - he couldn't tell what was going on, why Spinel had been here. Why she was afraid.

Lazuli knew that Spinel wouldn't have told anyone the whole story. She wouldn't have been able to. Why she was truly here must have been a huge concern to Steven, and Lapis felt for him. As they watched Spinel spring so high into the clouds that it would be impossible to see where she would land, the water gem released him. "I'm sorry, Steven." She said softly, but firmly. "She's nowhere near ready."

The poor boy looked crushed, confused. "I don't understand, did I do something? I just - I haven't heard from her in months and then Peridot called-" he buried his face into his hands. "I'm so confused. Why wouldn't she have told me she was visiting?"

It wasn't a matter Lapis could disclose because frankly, she didn't know the exact reason Spinel had reacted that way. But she knew how she felt. It had been painful looking at Steven when Lapis had told Jasper and Peridot where to find him all those years ago. She felt the only way to protect him was malachite - but only endangered him again.

It wasn't a rational reaction, to not be able to be near him. But that's just how it was with people who have experienced trauma. It wasn't always a feeling that could be explained.

"I don't know," Lapis murmured finally, brushing her hand on his arm. "All I know is that she needs space. And time. If you rush her, you might end up pushing her away even more."

Steven stared at her with big, ever-caring eyes, letting the gears of his mind turn. "But she's with the Diamonds now, why is she still-"

Bismuth was the one to speak, looking out at the horizon, eyes focused. "Your feelings about something or... Someone... Don't always go away so quickly. And, honestly," she sighed, scratching her head. "I don't think the Diamonds are really, uh... Healthy for anyone. Not when they're still fixed on your mom." She gazed at Steven knowingly. "You didn't want to hang around them that much either, which says a lot."

"But they're - they were affectionate, that's exactly what Spinel needed." Steven protested, eyes wide as a thought occurred to him. He thought deeper about the way the Diamonds spoke to Spinel, spoke of her. He was happy with the arrangement at the time since it worked out for everyone, but now something seemed... Off. "Something new must have happened," he breathed, hand on his forehead.

"And triggered the old trauma," Lapis added, putting a hand over her mouth. She could imagine. Wound on top of wound; as a fellow survivor, she'd experienced inception of pain. The new pain reopened up an old pain that wasn't dealt with properly.

Peridot, staring at her strip of tickets, groaned. "Guess we won't be using these at all," she grumbled, rolling her eyes. She closed the space between her and Lapis, hand on her hip. "I don't get it. What's the big deal? Yeah, she did something pretty cloddy but all of us have! I tried to help the cluster along with Jasper, and I'm not bugged by Steven."

Her words came from a place of ignorance, Lapis knew, but also a place of caring. Spinel was pretty obviously on edge from her damage to the planet but strangely hung up on whether she deserved to move on from it. Lazuli might not have known what exactly happened for Spinel to end up like that, but she recognized herself in Spinel's eyes.

Steven shook his head, eyes struck, crestfallen. "If there's something else going on, then it might be more complicated..." His voice was meek and quiet, and he closed his eyes for a moment. His fingers tangled into his thick curls, running them back and forth. He began to pace, eyes daunting as he stared back into the sky where Spinel disappeared. “I... I have to tell Connie. I told her what Peridot told me but if Spinel can’t handle being around people, then—”

“It’s not being around people,” Lapis interrupted, sympathy shining in her eyes. “It’s being around you.”

Steven stared, bewildered, taken aback. Hurt crossed his features and it stung to see him this way, scrambling for an idea of what he did wrong. But he didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s just how it was.

Bismuth was quick to intervene before he could say anything, her smile reassuring as she pressed a hand on his shoulder. “Just give her time, Steven. She’ll come around. They always do with you.”

“I thought we were good,” Steven mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Guess I have more work to do.”

“I’d advise against that, actually,” Peridot piped up, looking at her tablet. “The probabilities are that if you work to make yourself seem approachable when she’s not ready to do the same, she may have a _worse_ reaction.”

“Right,” Lapis agreed. “The only thing we can do is give her space.”

She didn’t catch the look of doubt shadowed on Steven’s face.

* * *

Spinel didn’t exactly know where she was going.

She’d been on Earth for maybe two days. She didn’t exactly know the place inside out. And she wasn’t _thrilled_ to be learning on the go, but it’s not like she had a choice. Wisps of clouds blew past her as she soared, chin tilted forward as she aimed for somewhere a few miles away from where she once stood.

It was strange, and maybe it was a blessing, but everything deflated the moment she broke free from him. The throbbing in her mind, the elevated adrenaline and anxiety just melted away once her skin touched the cool skies. Her breath steadied, darting eyes coming to a slow. She allowed them to close, to let herself breathe in, breathe out. “I’m okay,” she whispered. “I’m –”

The memories blazed in her mind_, the look on his face, she almost punched them, she just barely resisted the urge to kick him in the face ((again))—_

Deeper down the rabbit hole she would have fallen if she hadn’t heaved a gasp of air and let her eyes shoot open, for there lay the distraction. The sight she took in was one she felt she wouldn’t forget any time soon.

The sky was painted with evening stars, a blended orange melting into the royal purples of dusk. Geese glided alongside her, tilting their heads in what seemed to be a sideways glance. And for a moment, she stared at them, stared at the view, stared at the stars, and thanked her own that she was far, far away from the place she started.

The skies did go dark, though, as she began her quick descent. Thick, pale clouds gave way for threatening, brisk winds and heavy rainclouds that never came to fruition. A chill rose into the air, cool on her skin, soothing the burning sensation rippling along her body.

A symptom of anger, of fear? She may never know.

All she knew is that the place she landed gave her chills. She recognized it, felt that she came here before with Steven and Amethyst; a place that was full of holes but bore no gems, one that was grey and unwelcoming. Where the clouds touched the Earth in the form of eerie mist, haunting the landscape like it would swallow up the remains at any second.

Spinel’s (annoyingly) squeaky shoes touched down a few feet away from the warp pad, toes digging into the dead earth. A chill shuddered up her shoulders, causing her hair to stand on end. The cool autumn breeze didn’t carry itself out here. The sounds of forest life avoided this area. In its stead, the stench of brimstone and ash flooded her nose. There was no sound, no life, save for the howling wind in the distance.

But at least they wouldn’t think to look for her here.

The only thing she hated about this – and she had trouble identifying it at first, closing her eyes and trying to let the thoughts and ideas flow through her as Greg had instructed – was that it sickeningly reminded her of the garden. Even more so due to the fact that she was completely, hopelessly alone, staring up at the stars.

It seemed the reminder was just a trigger for the suppressed energy as tears spilled down her cheeks and dripped onto the dead earth below. Spinel angrily rubbed her face, trying to push them back, push the feelings away – but even she knew that was a bad idea.

_Sit in the feeling_.

As if Greg was there, Spinel obediently sat on the dirt, letting her vision blur as more tears gushed down her face. “At this rate, I’m gonna have more streaks on my cheeks.” Spinel chuckled bitterly, putting her chin in her hands. She closed her eyes again.

_Let it flow_.

Spinel allowed her mind to drift.

It took on different shapes, different colours. Different concepts. Irrelevant thoughts tagged alongside the brief good ones, the ones that made her smile, the few good memories she had.

She sat in the warmth of Lapis’ smile, grinned at the indignant banter of Peridot and the human from the Ferris wheel. Relished in the touch of Bismuth’s hand on her shoulder, of Greg’s. Of Lapis’ hand intertwined with hers.

Somehow, it made it all worse to think of Steven doing the same thing, all the way back then. When her injector exploded. He’d saved her, and they were supposed to be on good terms, they left on good terms – why couldn’t she bear looking at him, being near him?

Why did it fill her with such dread when he latched onto her leg, effectively stopping her from springing off at first? Why did she feel nauseous and afraid to see him, to even _know_ he was there? She—

She couldn’t do it. Spinel opened her eyes, burying them into the palm of her hands. She couldn’t think about the bad thoughts. She just couldn’t. It was too much. “This is pointless,” She muttered. “I’m never going to get better if I can’t just _deal_ with the bad stuff and the good stuff.”

“Why not both?” Came a casual reply.

Spinel jumped to her feet, narrowing her eyes as she readied to move, energy surging through her. Had they found her? Did they warp here and she’d not heard them?

Spinel visibly relaxed, however, when a few shades of purple shaped into a familiar form stepped out from one of the nearby holes. “Oh. It’s you.” Amethyst cocked an eyebrow at Spinel’s goaded voice.

A flash of light and Amethyst suddenly took on Spinel’s form. She flicks her wrist flippantly. “_Oh,_ it’s _you_,” Amethyst scoffed, before lifting her eyebrow and flashing Spinel a signature grin. “Pretty good, right?”

Not one to turn down sarcastic banter, Spinel crossed her arms with a satire grin. “Not _bad_, but definitely not sarcastic enough.”

“Sarcastic? You mean bitter,” Amethyst snickered, resuming her own form once more with a shrug. “As I usually say about those I mimic – it’s hard to beat the real thing.” She propped a hand on her hip, tilting her head to the side. “Soooo… that whole thing with the Diamonds, huh? Guessing it didn’t work out?”

Spinel stiffened. How could she guess so easily? Amethyst shrugged, passing Spinel as she began to walk through the Kindergarten. “Anyone could have seen _that_ disaster coming.” Amethyst snorted, as if reading her mind. She looked over her shoulder back at Spinel, who watched her in a stunned sort of amazement. She offered a playful smile. “Are you coming or not?”

Spinel hung back, uncertain as she examined Amethyst. “Where ya goin’?” Spinel replied, unable to hide her curiosity. Amethyst grinned.

“_We’re_ gonna hang out in my hole and look up memes.” The overcooked gem declared, grabbing for Spinel’s wrist.

“_Memes?_” Spinel blinked.

“Trust me. They’re the perfect fix for a sad gem.” Amethyst snickered. “They’re all in the name of staving off that heckin’ depression.”

Spinel, though exhausted at the day’s events and about ready to let them end, trailed after Amethyst regardless. Something about the violet gem’s facetious tone piqued her curiosity. She let Amethyst guide her to a hole in the wall, where they both slid down the wall and sat on the ground.

As Amethyst scrolled through a glowing vertical device that fit into her hand, she eagerly giggled and showed Spinel every post that got her goat. Spinel struggled incredibly with the humour, finding it new and strange; she was so accustomed to loopy humour that the idea that there was _more_ really grabbed her attention.

She listened and tried to keep up with Amethyst’s eager explanations of the references, taking the time to explain the context and watching originals. She bit back sarcastic comments, merely because it was obvious that they brought Amethyst such joy, and who was she to rain on that parade? Moreover, she appreciated the sudden distraction.

What was it with Earthlings, so eager to make contact that they pretty much invite you anywhere with them within a few minutes? The kindness was still so jarring to Spinel. Homeworld was still so new to the concept of affection, and while Spinel didn’t _used_ to be a stranger to it, she certainly was now, again.

Spinel decided not to question something that was obviously a good thing.

The meme session lasted a while. She began to pick up on it, giggling away like a lunatic with Amethyst at some of the more relatable ones. They discovered a similar interest in dark humour, a humour derived from the diminishing or formerly diminished self-esteem of the reader (at least that was what Amethyst suggested with a snort of laughter).

Laughing at herself was so much easier than hating it.

The night went on, and Spinel felt her body melting away. It was a strange feeling, but a relaxing one; one that brought peace of mind. Her eyelids fluttered and she found a hard time keeping them open for some reason. Maybe it was a weird reaction to the stressful events over the past few days. Maybe she was just breaking down.

“Or maybe you’re tired. Cuz, you know, you’re saying that stuff out loud.” Amethyst snickered beside her, showing a toothy grin. “Just _sleep_, dude. I don’t mind.”

“How?” Spinel asked sleepily.

Amethyst made an awkward face. “Uh… how do I put this? You just kinda,” she closed her eyes and made a weird snorting noise with her mouth, then looked back at Spinel. “You know?” At Spinel’s unimpressed expression at her explanation, Amethyst groaned. “Just- put your head on my shoulder, sis. And close your eyes.”

Spinel, too tuckered to actually reply with sass, obeyed. She rested against Amethyst, slowly letting her eyes slide shut as she watched Amethyst scroll through some more memes.

Her last thoughts before losing consciousness were of how wonderful Earth was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but I can't not imagine Spinel being a memer. I CAN'T. 
> 
> Also STILL HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS THIS STORY BLEW UP??? THANK YOU SO MUCH????


	6. End and Means

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Amethyst reenacts her big sister mode, Bismuth her mother mode, and Steven his brother mode.

_ From : Amethyst – Oct 5th @ 00:43 – Recipient : Ste-man _

_ive found ur basketcase   
_ _\- Received, Unread_

She’d waited for Spinel’s soft breathing to become shallow before sending off the text. Amethyst sighed, leaning her head against the wall of her hole. She’d come to visit her old neighbourhood for nostalgia’s sake, and – not that she was complaining – she wasn’t really prepared to be someone’s shoulder to lean on.

Amethyst wasn’t a “feelings” person. Of course, she cried and she hugged when she needed comfort, but it was a little harder for her to do that – to _be_ that – for someone else. Hence the sweet, sweet distraction of memes. She hoped it was enough, but given Spinel’s facetious nature, she figured it probably was.

Spinel needed a phone. And a phone plan. Just for those glorious memes. _I’ll ask Greg about it._

The plum purple gem let her head lean on Spinel’s sleeping one, resting while she waited for Steven’s reply. He opened her message about 3 minutes after he received it. She could see him typing, then erasing, then typing. Which was strange, because usually he always knew what he wanted to say and just said it – now, it just read as uncertainty, lost-ness. To see evidence of a once-confident young adult lose faith in his ability to know what to do or say concerned her.

It was probably nothing, but...

_ From : Ste-man – Oct 5th @ 00:50 – Recipient : Amethyst _

_How’s she doing  
_ _\- Received, Read_

A simple question, a simple message, but it couldn’t be simple if it took Steven five minutes after opening her message to say three words. Amethyst took the phone in both her hands and began clacking her fingers on the touch screen.

_ From : Amethyst – Oct 5th @ 00:51 – Recipient : Ste-man _

_taught her to sleep. found her in the ol neighborhood. looked pretty stressed so we looked @ memes for 2 hours b4 she got tired.  
_ _\- Received, Read_

_ From : Ste-man – Oct 5th @ 00:54 – Recipient : Amethyst _

_She’s sleeping now? Surprised she picked it up so quickly  
_ _\- Received, Read_

_From : Amethyst – Oct 5th @ 00:55 – Recipient : Ste-man_

_sleep is pretty important 4 stress. i think whatever shes been thru just sorta... clicked that need. any idea what i should be doing? I dont wanna sleep here 2nite but shes obv here 4 a reason  
_ _\- Received, Read_

_Ste-man is typing..._

She watched him type, backtrack, type, backtrack. Then finally:

_From : Ste-man – Oct 5th @ 00:58 – Recipient : Amethyst_

_She doesn’t want anything to do with me rn. If you can, take her to LH for the night. I’ll try to figure out a way to help her w/o being her trigger  
_ _\- Received, Read_

Amethyst’s eyes widened in surprise, rereading that text.

_From : Amethyst – Oct 5th @ 00:58 – Recipient : Ste-man_

_did something happen???  
_ _\- Received, Read_

No response.

She _hated_ being left in the dark. It reminded her of when she felt insufficient to be a Crystal Gem. No one told her what was going on. All she knew about her old neighbourhood was that it was where _bad gems_ were grown. Now she knew more, knew better, but this was just like back then. “Ugh,” Amethyst muttered quietly, annoyed at the lack of response.

Gently, she looked to Spinel’s dozing expression, devoid of the dark circles under her eyes and the faintest touch of a smile on her lips. Spinel reminded Amethyst of... herself. Jasper had made big talk about what Amethyst was “supposed” to be, what her “role” was (though that had been _years _ago, the cheeto-puff was a lot laxer nowadays). The only one who had bothered getting to know Spinel was Steven, so she didn’t know much – she just knew that Spinel seemed like a mess in the same way Amethyst was once a mess. What that meant was a mystery, but still...

Amethyst scooped her arms under Spinel’s legs and under her shoulders, careful not to disturb her sleep. The last thing she needed was to be interrupted in a method of healing. Gracelessly, Amethyst stumbled out of her hole with the extra weight, stepping over stones in an effort not to trip before reaching the warp pad. As she headed up the steps to the warp, she felt Spinel stir, before burrowing her head deeper into the crook of Amethyst’s neck.

Amethyst sighed, inwardly admitting that the concept of Spinel sleeping was probably the cutest thing she’d seen in a while, and stepped onto the platform, letting the light consume them.

* * *

Lapis, with her head resting on Bismuth’s shoulder and Peridot’s resting in Bismuth’s lap, stared into space. It’d been a few hours since the incident and she was worried, to be honest. And then she wondered, how many hours did Steven worry about Lapis, when she was fused with malachite? He never gave up, even when she told him to. He just found a different way to help.

He’d probably find a way for Spinel. She wondered what he was thinking right now, at the home base.

Bismuth, in her typical mother fashion, gently ruffled Peridot’s hair. This provoked a whine out of the smaller, green gem. “Now I have to _comb_ it again,” Peridot grumbled, digging her face further into Bismuth’s belly to disguise her grin. Bismuth leaned back against the sofa, softly laughing to herself.

“You can comb it in the morning. You always do anyway.” Lapis quipped, poking her tongue out. She grinned. “It’s a good look for you.” Peridot scowled but then grinned victoriously when Bismuth messed up Lazuli’s hair. The blue gem pulled away, a disgruntled look on her face. “Bismuth,” she whined, fixing her bangs.

“Don’t think you’ll get away with that little remark,” Bismuth chuckled, leaning back against the cushions as she stared at the fireplace. It was a pretty good home that they’d made, here. The barn had been great for Peridot and Lapis, but that was long gone.

This was good, though. This was good enough, for everyone.

“What’s that?” Lapis rose her head from Bismuth’s shoulder, her gaze fixated on the sudden blare of light outside. Peridot sat up as well, bewildered. Then she relaxed, raising an eyebrow at Lazuli.

“The _Warp Pad_.” Peridot stated, a hint of sarcasm as if it should be obvious. “Some of the newer gems don’t really sleep, remember?”

Bismuth chuckled warmly, smoothing the little green gem’s hair back. “They’re older than you _both._” Peridot made a face but figured she couldn’t find much of a counter-argument there.

Lapis stood, staring intently out the window. “I see someone coming to our house.”

Bismuth frowned, scratching her chin. “Who would come to our house at this hour?”

The door was promptly kicked open off of its hinges. Peridot shot out of Bismuth’s lap, her mini body going into offence mode. A round blot of purple came into view as she stepped into the doorframe from the darkness. “_Me_, bitc-” Amethyst’s enthusiasm for the vine was cut short, seeming to reconsider the volume of her voice. She kept her voice in a low whisper. “_Me, beotch._”

Lapis noticed a stretchy bundle of pink slinging unconsciously from the violet gem’s arms. Her eyes widened. “You found Spinel?”

“She found me,” Amethyst snorted with a grin. “Was visiting the old neighbourhood, checking up on the fam. Found her talking to herself.”

Peridot cleared her throat, looking away. “That’s not _unusual_ for someone like her.”

Lapis cuffed the back of Peridot’s head. “It’s not unusual for anyone. We all do it. You were, like, the one who did it the most with your voice recorder.”

Peridot flushed a darker green from embarrassment, crossing her arms. “I didn’t say it wasn’t something _we_ didn’t do! I’m just saying that when you’re experiencing cognitive dissonance, talking to yourself is... one of the things that help.”

“Use English, P-dot,” Amethyst said in amusement, as she gingerly lay Spinel on the previously occupied sofa. Spinel stirred, her face squinting as Bismuth gently folded the sofa throw on top of her. Peridot pinched the bridge of her nose, making a face.

“What I _mean_ is... when your world is flipped upside down. When you don’t know which way is up. When the only thing you can count on for _consistency _is yourself.”

Peridot’s words resonated with every single gem in the room. Lapis sheepishly rubbed her arms, clearly self-conscious; Bismuth exchanged looks with Amethyst, both clearly remembering the revelation of Pink Diamond that led them to question everything.

All conscious gems glanced at Spinel. Wondering what she had experienced. Whether they would ever find out.

* * *

Steven speed-dialled Connie, pinching the phone between his head and shoulder as he busied himself, making meals for the week. He listened to the ringing, waiting for the connection to pull through. She was probably studying. It was a Sunday night (or incredibly early morning) and she’d been expecting a test the following morning.

Pulling on the oven mitts, Steven gingerly opened the oven door and pulled out the lasagna dish. Its aroma flooded the room, and he grinned for a moment; it reminded him of simpler days, days where he wasn’t managing the entire universe’s political wellbeing. But this was his happily ever after, and though there would be more work to do, he could relax at the moment, sit in the feeling.

“Hello?” Connie’s voice startled him in his daze. Steven jumped, almost dropping the dish, and he gingerly placed it on the stove and quickly ripped off an oven mitt with his teeth, grabbing the phone before it could drop to the floor.

“Hey, Connie. How’s the studying going?” He tried to keep his voice casual, tried not to reveal the fact that he’d pretty much narrowly avoided a first-degree burn when she picked up. He heard her laugh on the other end, oblivious.

“It’s... good? You don’t usually ask me about that. I always do well on tests.” Her voice, knowingly, turned into one of concern. “Is something wrong?”

He flushed. Of course, she’d see right through his question. She knew him too well. “Uhh,” He started, scratching his head awkwardly, “So. Don’t freak out, but Spinel’s back on Earth.”

A moment of silence. A mixture of uncertainty and suspicion. “... Do you know why?”

“I—” How could he answer that? He’d had no idea what was going on with Spinel. She’d refused to even look at him for more than two seconds. “No. No, I don’t.”

“Should we... be expecting anything?”

He understood Connie’s weariness. She wasn’t nearly as quick to forgive, probably because she wasn’t filled in on the details behind a gem’s actions as quickly as he. Once she understood, though... she trusted his judgement, and he wasn’t going to make whatever was going on with Spinel worse by putting Connie on her. “I don’t think we have to expect anything bad,” Steven concluded. “Something... we think something happened to her, with the diamonds. I just want your help to talk to her. She can’t – she can’t talk to me.”

“So,” Connie said slowly, making sure she understood his implications. “You want me to talk to her?”

Steven considered it.

Connie knew what it was like to not have anyone to turn to. She didn’t begin with a trusting relationship with her parents. She’d had no friends before Steven. She had plenty of experience with abandonment with her busy mother, and overcoming such. She might actually be able to give Spinel some solid pointers.

But – he wanted to be there for Spinel, too. Maybe in a way that she’d let him. He knew he couldn’t ask Connie, if she _had_ spoken to Spinel, to spill the gem’s secrets. It would be a breach of trust that the two had established, and he had no right to interfere in that.

But _his_ plan included tricking Spinel, something he wasn’t proud of but felt that he would at least try if Garnet could see it working. “Actually, I was wondering if Stevonnie would... be able to help.”

This shocked Connie quiet, but as she pieced it together, he could almost sense her nodding on the other end. “You think our combined experiences might resonate with her?” She asked, a small smile in her voice.

“I do,” He stated, newfound confidence showing in his posture. “If you’re okay with it.”

“Well,” Connie sighed, and he imagined her scrubbing her eyes. “I need to get some sleep and write that test tomorrow. Is sometime after 3PM okay? Oh,” she added, “You might want to wear something that will cover your gem, even when we fuse. She’ll probably recognize it, right?”

Oh, good point. Gems had an innate sense of recognition by gem _alone_. Steven nodded to himself. “Yeah. You wear a long sweater, I’ll wear a regular sweater. The combination should cover the gem at least. I’m going to check with Garnet to see if there’s anything we should expect, but other than that... I hope you have a good test tomorrow.”

As they said their goodbyes, Steven sensed a taller presence behind him. He turned his head, meeting Garnet’s gaze, or at least looking at her visors. She smiled knowingly. “And how has our little mission been, with Spinel?” He was sure she knew the answer, but he had a feeling she was fishing for how he was feeling about it.

He looked down, at his feet, then at the painting of his mother. “I’m a little... unsure, about what I’m doing. I know forming Stevonnie and deceiving Spinel feels wrong. But I know that I can help her. I just need to understand.”

“Your concern comes from a good place of love,” Garnet said gently, stroking his cheek in that familiar motherly fashion. “But I worry you’re not seeing the bigger picture.”

“I can’t,” he joked. “I don’t have future vision.”

“I can help you with that.” Garnet smiled and pressed a kiss against his forehead.

A flood of events, or memories that never happened, of feelings and thoughts that never were but could be flashed through his mind, warping his sense of reality and bringing him from beginning to end, beginning to end, beginning to end. Then, finally, back to the real start, with Garnet standing in front of him.

“Use these visions wisely. Choose the path with Stevonnie that you think you can change for the better.” She murmured. Slightly dizzy from having reality ripped from under his feet, Steven offered a light-headed smile.

“I think I know what I can do.”


	7. Dreams and Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel experiences her first dream, and it leaves her a little more disgruntled about her progress.

A flood of nonsense entered her mind.

Flickers of the colour pink. She hated that colour. She saw it in her reflection and she saw it in the person who abandoned her.

She was surrounded by plant life, lush and pink, flowing, petals. Thick buds. Roses. Pink roses.

Sunlight streamed around her, spilling through the ceiling of dappled emerald leaves. It was bright, a pale yellow to highlight the hidden features of roses.

Diamonds, at their center. Pink ones.

Spinel shuddered. She backed away; her hands feeling behind her, feeling a sharp pain prick her fingers. She looked over her shoulder; thorns. She had been hurt by the roses. Suddenly, they crawled closer to her, driving her, threatening her back. Spinel didn’t know plants could move, but they sure could now.

Desperately, she haphazardly staggered out of the rose thickets, breaking into a run as the brambles and branches swatted at her hair. There was too much pink. Too much pink everywhere. She hated the damn colour. Different shades, different lighting, but it was all the same. The same, rotten core.

She ran into a wall, stone. It wrapped itself around her, enclosing her in the safety of darkness. The last thing she saw before being swallowed up by rock was flames –

The rose thickets were on fire. The forest she’d just run through was dead.

* * *

Spinel’s eyes groggily slid open, taking in the room around her.

She wasn’t in the kindergarten. It was a shelter, far from the place she’d fallen asleep in. She was too tired to feel panic. Too disoriented to think about how she’d gotten there. But just awake enough to know that this place wasn’t gray, empty, or dead.

Her eyes trailed around the room. The thing beneath her was soft, supporting her weight. Not like the cold stones she’d fallen asleep on.

Sunlight streamed through the window.

Amethyst. Where was Amethyst?

Something surged through her, propelling her upwards. Spinel examined the... _thing_ thrown on top of her. Thin, wide and long, covering her body. Soft material. She lifted it at the edges cautiously. _What the heck is this?_

Wait.

She was alone.

The idea sent chills down her spine. She wasn’t ready for this – she wasn’t good at this yet – where was Amethyst, where was Spinel?

“You awake now, buddy?” The voice came from the ceiling. Spinel’s eyes shot up, filled with relief that she wasn’t the only one in the home. The soft blue gem leaned against the railing of the second floor, peering down at Spinel. Bismuth smiled, eyes warm. “We were worried about you, you know. You just ran off, and you didn’t tell anyone.”

“I-” Spinel stammered, looking around. “Where am I? Where did Amethyst go?”

“She’s here,” Bismuth reassured her. “Just, you know. She went outside for a bit.” The pink gem shook her head.

“Okay, but – where am _I_?”

“Our house, in Little Homeworld.” Bismuth replied with ease, her arms stretching as she stepped down the stairs to ground level. She took a seat beside Spinel, sinking into the sofa. “How are you feeling? Did you sleep well?” The blue gem asked, voice gentle and quiet among the sleepy atmosphere.

Spinel rubbed the side of her head. “I dunno what ‘sleeping _well_’ is like. Never figured you rate that kind of thing.” A flash of pink, of a rose petal. Spinel stiffened. “I _thought_ – I thought I was in a garden, then a forest, but then I woke up here.”

“A dream,” Bismuth realized. She scrubbed her chin, thinking of a way to phrase her explanation. “Dreams are... they aren’t real. You, uh, weren’t actually there.”

“Why- why do they happen? Are they visions? Like a Sapphire has visions?” Spinel, her face twisted in confusion, felt her arms falter.

“No,” a familiar voice piped up.

Lazuli drifted into the room, having heard Spinel awake. She shook her head. “No. They’re more like... your gem is trying to process your experiences. And sometimes the result is that your thoughts and feelings become abstract... pictures, and sounds, and everything gets all mixed up. And it plays out... visually. When you sleep.”

A garden... with pink roses. Being pushed away, then the roses burning.

Spinel didn’t really know what that second part meant, with burning roses, and a dead forest. She knew what being pushed away was, and obviously she knew what the garden and the pink roses with pink diamonds in them were.

Burning roses... a dead forest.

Not a clue.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Spinel said pointedly.

Lapis made her way down the stairs, taking a seat on Spinel’s other side. She nodded understandingly. “It doesn’t have to. They’re never really... clear.” She leaned back against the sofa, closing her eyes. “You really _did_ give us a scare, you know.”

“You barely know me,” Spinel muttered. “I dunno how you can get scared for someone you don’t know.”

Lapis looked at her, expression unreadable. “You can care about someone you don’t know, simply because you see your experiences in them.”

Spinel gave her a look. “So you only care because I remind you of you.”

“_Don’t_ put words in my mouth.” Came the sharp reply.

“Lapis,” Bismuth murmured calmly, resting a hand on the disgruntled gem’s shoulder.

Lazuli softened, sighing. “Look, I get it. You’re – you’re going through something. You’re going to be prickly, and confused, and defensive.” She twirled her hair. “I _care_ because _I_ wanted someone to be there for me when I was in your shoes. _I’m_ going to be that person for you, whether you like it or not. Same with Peridot, same with Bismuth, same with St-”

“No,” Spinel interrupted, looking away quickly. “I mean, I’m feelin’ _grand_ that _someone_ cares but – he –”

Lapis watched with wide eyes. Was Spinel going to tell her the deal with Steven?

“He _doesn’t_ care.”

.... Well. That was about the dumbest thing Lapis Lazuli had ever heard. Judging from Bismuth’s unsurprised but quiet expression, there was something Lapis was missing.

_Don’t be invalidating, don’t be invalidating_, Lapis chanted to herself, holding her breath. She released it, and looked at Spinel’s hurt look, pouting at the floor. She was rubbing her arms self-consciously, and then touched her cheeks gingerly, running her fingers down the thick black streaks.

Lapis had to admit. While Spinel looked a whole lot different from her original form, the thing that stuck out the most was those strange black stripes on her cheeks. Symptoms of corruption, maybe, but not mentally bad enough to make a monster of her completely? It was a possibility. If anything, Lapis knew that the universe was a lot more vast and complex than she thought it was.

“What makes you think that?” Lapis quipped, careful to leave out any tone in her voice that would give away her skepticism.

Spinel snorted in disdain, looking away. “I have my reasons.”

... So, Spinel had become a _private_ person, as well. Lapis wondered how that happened. <strike>She wondered if maybe the Diamonds said something to her—</strike>

Bismuth stood up, stretching her arms. “Well, if you’re not ready to talk, that’s okay. It takes a lot of time to open up to someone-”

“No!” Spinel said quickly, standing up. Her eyes were wide and urgent, and after a moment of staring at each other, Spinel stiffened, sitting back down, embarrassed. “I- I mean –” Lapis watched in mild curiosity as Spinel did something she’d not seen the pink gem do before – pinch the bridge of her nose.

“I’ve... I haven’t ever actually... felt _vulnerable_ enough, after my memories were restored. It’s- It’s real hard to _talk_ about it when—”

_A flash of unpleasant reminders, of his impatience with her, of her failures, of the things she didn’t want to remember but was forced to in order to shut off the injector – that’s all she was wanted for – _

_It was a happily ever after that she never really had a place in. Everyone knew it._

“When your intrusive thoughts run wild.” Lapis finished, searching Spinel’s eyes for further meaning. “When you can’t help but be afraid that someone will hate you... _more_ than you already hate yourself? This isn’t coming from a blind place, Spinel...”

“I know,” Spinel whispered, and suddenly she was unable to suppress the guilt that she couldn’t give them what they wanted – answers. “Why – why do you need to know, so badly? All o’ ya act like I can’t tell you want me to spill something –”

Lapis shook her head. “It’s out of concern... not a twisted sense of curiosity. But you’re not obligated to tell anyone a thing before you’re ready.”

“What if I’m never ready?” The thought made Spinel shiver.

“Then that’s that.” Spinel, surprised, stared at Bismuth, who shrugged nonchalantly. “Look. I know people around here might say things like ‘you won’t feel better till you talk it out’, but that’s not true.” She stared out the window, at the far distance. “Spending time here... and meeting other people... I’ve seen people deal with their pain in their own way, in what works for them. Some people like talking it out. Some people like forgetting about it and moving on. There’s more, and each way is just as valid.”

Spinel sat in silence, mulling over the words. It wasn’t that she wanted to forget it, or not tell anyone. The one person she had told her history to had just been... well. He had seemed compassionate. At first. But then...

“I’ve been given too much time to think about it... and now everything’s... I don’t know what to believe anymore.” Spinel confessed quietly. “When things first happened, I took them at face value, but now I’m looking back and – what if they weren’t the way I interpreted them, what if it wasn’t _real_-”

Lapis gently laced their fingers together, other hand covering Spinel’s. “And that’s a telltale sign, to me, that you... probably won’t be able to forget and move on. But your method is _your_ choice. And we’re here for whenever you want to try something new.”

Spinel felt a smile brush her lips. A wave of warm security washed over her, and she released the breath she didn’t realize she trapped in her chest.

A blur of violet was seen out the window before Amethyst opened the newly reinstalled door. Her lavender hair bobbed in the particularly harsher breeze that carried a constant change of sun and cloud, lighting up the town behind her like a faint spotlight blinking on and off. The wind briefly carried the faint smell of freshly-baked donuts – a heavenly scent, before the door was disappointingly shut.

Then Spinel realized the warm smell followed Amethyst. She looked down at the bags in Amethyst’s grasp. _The Big Donut_. Spinel felt a surge of excitement as Amethyst casually handed her a donut, shovelling it into her mouth. “Tho... gud...” She whined happily, licking her fingers.

The purple gem watched in amusement. “A gift for you from a pal of mine. Actually, I think you should meet them. They’re pretty cool.” Amethyst looked at Lapis and winked. It seemed like Lapis wasn’t quite on the same page, as she looked away, an uncomfortable expression overtaking her features.

“Bal?” Spinel garbled, an uncertain smile dusting her swollen cheeks. It was hard enough to decide what she was feeling moment to moment. She didn’t want to find herself going berserk again, making a bad impression on a new friend.

Amethyst shrugged. “Eh, yeah. I, uh.... told them you were going through a rough patch, you know? So we got donuts. I hope you don’t mind that they know.”

_Announce it to the world, why don’t you_, Spinel bit back the sarcasm, thrumming her fingers on her lap.

But she thought about it. _Trusting_ and _reciprocating_ acts of kindness were going to be difficult for her, she’d already established that with Steven. Finding and talking to new people, getting a feel for their personality and hoping that they weren’t as flippant and wishy-washy as the Diamonds were... it would be terrifying, but necessary. She _wanted_ to get better. She _wanted _to trust. Lapis, Amethyst, Bismuth, Peridot, Greg, Garnet – they made her want to try.

So she would try. She would try again and again, as many times as it took until she found people who didn’t fail her as – others... had.

Spinel was sure that maybe, maybe she’d found people who were _okay_ with her like this, but it couldn’t hurt to reach out and find others.

“Are they here?” Spinel chirped, finally swallowing the mass of sugary mush in her mouth. “I, ah, I don’t mind meetin’ ‘em.”

“Good, cuz they’re like _right_ outside the door, listening,” Amethyst mentioned casually, stuffing a donut into her mouth. Spinel swallowed thickly. _That sure was sudden_.

As if on cue – which, let’s face it, they were – some kind of _human_ walked through the door sheepishly, scratching the back out their head. They were about the same height as Bismuth, and so, considerably taller than Spinel and Amethyst. Spinel took in the sight.

Cute, bobbed hair, brown and curly; tanned skin, and bright caramel brown eyes that betrayed a look of embarrassment. There was some kind of garment covering their arms and draping all the way down to their thighs. Appropriate, given the cooler weather and brisk winds recently.

There was something about them, something that Spinel just couldn’t put her finger on. Something familiar. Maybe it was the nose or the gingerly curling tendrils of hair spilling beside their face. The gentle undertones in their eyes. The everlasting patience in their aura.

Spinel was struck from her thoughts very suddenly as they stretched their hand out before her. “Hey,” they said, softly, voice warm like a spoonful of honey. “I’m Stevonnie.”


	8. Of Pleasantries and Casualties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Spinel experiences what a relapse is really like, and Stevonnie fulfills a parental role Spinel didn't know she needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually really proud of the chapter title since I think it really sums up the feeling I'm going for.  
THANK YOU everyone who has followed along so far!!! We're about half-way through the story.

Chills crawled up her spine, settling into her shoulders. Spinel felt her shoulders cringe.

Something about this. There was something about this, and it felt wrong. Artificial.

And yet, sickeningly familiar.

Their eyes were warm, an amber glow, firelight on a cold autumn evening. Their feelings weren’t artificial. But _something_ was. Something was, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to find out what.

The question still hung in the air, cooling the atmosphere. The hairs on the back of Spinel’s neck bristled as their hands connected in a handshake. An electrifying tingle shot through her fingertips at the briefest contact.

“I, uh,” Spinel stammered, eyes wide as she searched Stevonnie’s eyes, looking for something, anything. She didn’t even know what. She just needed to confirm that what she was feeling wasn’t irrational. That there was a reason.

Because if there wasn’t a reason, she was right back to the beginning – the paranoia, the _insane_ fluctuation of motivation, of feelings, of love and hate and everything in between –

Just by _looking_ at Stevonnie, Spinel felt herself coming undone. She swallowed. “Can you... repeat that?”

There was a twinge of something on the human’s face. Spinel felt her thoughts race and twist, doubting anything and everything she interpreted. _Concern? Annoyance? Boredom? _Oh God, were they bored? _She could see the flicker of irritation on the Diamonds’ faces, sharp words cutting deep, deeper and deeper. She could see Pink._

_She could see Pink._

“I asked if you… wanted to go for a walk.” Stevonnie said, uncertainly.

It was a strange feeling. Like her head was floating right off her body. Like the world around her was made up of light and sound, like nothing was real, like not even Spinel was real. Her breath came shallow, and her eyes felt dull, but Spinel found herself answering. She couldn’t hear her own answer, couldn’t decipher it, like a fog in her mind – she only knew that Stevonnie gently cradled her hand in theirs and guided her out the door.

“Tell me about yourself, Spinel,” Stevonnie said, looking down at the smaller gem warmly. Spinel felt starry, returning Stevonnie’s gaze.

“Uh. I, uh, I’m pink,” She stammered. _What the hell was that?_

Stevonnie giggled, a sound that reminded Spinel of the word “home” – a feeling she’d experienced once before her naivety was replaced with a seasoned veteran of victimhood. Before the Diamonds, before Steven, before Pink. “Well, I could _see_ that,” they snorted, flipping their hair out of their eyes. “I mean, what do you like to do? Do you have any favourite games?”

The word “game” made Spinel swallow, hard. She looked away bitterly. “… No.”

An awkward silence fell over them. Stevonnie scratched their arm, likely feeling a bit at a loss. Spinel saw the struggle as they tried to keep the cheery smile on their lips. “… So… are you… how long have you been on Earth? Do you like it here? Have you been treated well?”

So many questions over Spinel’s wellbeing from someone she didn’t even know. But it came off differently than it did with Lapis and Amethyst. It came off as if Stevonnie _knew_ Spinel. Like catching up with an old friend.

Stevonnie certainly was a mystery.

Spinel scratched her cheek unconsciously, fingering the long, oily black marks on her cheeks. “It’s real charming here.” Earth was beautiful and colourful. It didn’t look like this when Spinel came here the first time – it was something special. It had an ecosystem and a weather system, something Homeworld sorely lacked and left it less interesting.

It was the people here, though. The people here… were special. “I’d say I’ve been treated real swell, in the short while I’ve been here,” Spinel remarked as they strolled through Little Homeworld, passing the newer structures and establishments, the steady patter of feet (and Spinel’s annoyingly squeaky shoes) tapping on a solid cobblestone road. “The people here…” Spinel didn’t miss the way Stevonnie’s eyes flicked to her anxiously, “they’re… different. Than Homeworld.”

“Different?” Stevonnie questioned, lightly gesturing to a bench as they took a seat. Their curious amber eyes shimmered, meeting Spinel’s magenta gaze. “Different, how?”

“I-” Spinel swallowed, hugging her arms to her chest. She couldn’t quite put it into words.

Homeworld judged. It pretended, it was a fallacy until it gathered enough information about you. It played games. It played “nice.” Then, when you were most vulnerable, it struck quickly and silently like a viper, fangs bared as it used information against you.

She swallowed harder, _as it used information against her, as they used Pink against her, as they used theirselves against her, no wonder Pink left her behind, no wonder Steven was so eager to pawn her off, no wonder no wonder no wonder no wonder_

_“Oh, starlight,” White purred, a slick smile on her lips, terrifyingly pearly teeth, too bright, too bright in the darkness. _

_“You’re just no **fun **when you’re “depressed”. You think **you** have it bad?” _

“Hey,” Stevonnie murmured, “hey. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.”

Spinel had fallen over. She curled up on the ground in a fetal position, breathing quick, breathing shallow, eyes darting from place to place, seeking some kind of permanent interest point. Anything to distract her. Anything at all.

Stevonnie kneeled beside her, smoothing her hand along Spinel’s back, whispering soft things, meaningless things, but things that gradually ate away at her paranoia, leaving her brittle and tired. Passerby gems glanced in concern or confusion but figured the situation was relatively under control and continued on their way.

“I can’t, I can’t,” Spinel sobbed, her breath hitching even when tears failed to rise into her eyes. She gripped her ponytails and pulled, pulled until she could feel the familiar sting catching fire on her scalp. She was doing so well, why did she suddenly relapse like this? She didn’t understand, she couldn’t understand. She didn’t want to feel the past, the past hurt – she wanted to move on –

Stevonnie kept their voice low, as confused and tired as it was, they maintained their patience. “You can’t what?”

For the first time, Spinel _really_ didn’t know how to respond. She didn’t _know_ what she was about to say. All she knew was that she couldn’t, she couldn’t, she couldn’t.

She couldn’t forgive herself. She’d hurt the planet in a twisted attempt at revenge on someone she didn’t even know.

She couldn’t trust or be vulnerable to people. Stars knew what happened last time she had devoted herself to someone. But she _wanted to_. But she _couldn’t_.

She couldn’t stand being alone. The thoughts came for her and she didn’t know what to do with herself – she should be entertaining someone, should be being someone’s friend, should be fulfilling her purpose, but her purpose had been broken –

She couldn’t look at Steven, not only because he was a living reminder of everything she hated about herself, but because –

_He brushed her off, flippant, has to help his real friends but hardly spared emotion or time for her – the things he said – the way he said them –_

_The way he pretended to care._

She held her head. Hit it. Pulled it.

“I. Can’t. Don’t. Want. To. Feel.” Spinel bit out, chewing her lip, feeling the pain of her teeth sinking into her bottom lip.

And finally, at the realization that after all this time she really still wasn’t handling her emotions any better – just in a different and just as unhealthy way – the tears flooded and spilled out her eyes in a way they hadn’t before. Because before, she’d sat in the feeling but not long enough to find out why she was feeling what she was feeling – and now she understood. She wasn’t better, and she wasn’t helping herself by pushing these things back, deep into the crevices of her mind.

Stevonnie’s arms found their way underneath her, and lifted her up. Numbly, she let herself dangle, staring further and further into space.

* * *

She blinked, and she was laying on the ground.

She felt herself tearing up, the sting of water touching the corners of her eyes. They flooded, spilling as she forced herself to blink, letting them drift down her round pink cheeks. They followed the familiar black trails of former tear-stains, reinforcing them, corrupting the colour further.

Spinel knew she wasn’t alone. Wherever she was, where the sun was bright and it was relatively warmer, the grass cradled her and the daisies danced in the brisk breeze, she felt her head resting in the lap of someone warm and safe. And it just felt like a dream.

She watched the clouds pass, drifting high above their heads.

A soft voice, ever-loving, ever nurturing. “Spinel?”

She let her eyes close.

If it was too hard for her to process Stevonnie’s appearance, she might as well leave them shut.

Stevonnie stared, examining Spinel’s face, letting a sigh escape their mouth as they looked up at the sky. A faint smile crossed their features. “… Nice day outside, isn’t it? Good for a game, maybe?”

_He pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes sore, eyes tired, eyes irritated. “Spinel,” he muttered. “THIS ISN’T A GAME!” Something within her broke, jumped at his frustrated scream. Rage flooded her system._

_He didn’t understand at all._

“_No_,” Spinel spat. “No more games.”

Stevonnie quickly became silent, surprised at the venom in her words. “O-okay,” they soothed. “Okay. No games.”

Instant relief washed over Spinel, and she felt herself relax. “No games,” she whispered, and the words sounded heavenly. She said it again. “No more games.” Intuitively, Stevonnie gazed at Spinel’s squinting face, clearly focusing on the words. They brush their fingers through Spinel’s hair.

“No more games,” They murmured in unison with Spinel. Stevonnie realized they understood.

Steven did a mental facepalm. _“Of course she would hate games,”_ he sighed. _“Mom played the longest mind game ever with Spinel.”_

Connie was silent for a moment. Then, _“She feels... like her thoughts are just, an amalgamation and **she** doesn’t even know what to think or how to feel.”_

Both of them went silent, sitting in the company of each other, brewing in the waters of their collective thoughts.

“_Garnet,”_ Steven realized.

“_That’s a great idea, Steven._” Clearly she was on the same page.

A few beats passed, and the tears began to dry. The fog in Spinel’s head began to clear. The thoughts in her mind began to ebb. And she thought, if only for a moment, that this was nice. This was nice.

It was nice.

“I want you to try something with me,” Stevonnie told her, not asked her. The tone was gentle but firm, unbending. Spinel stared up at them with tired eyes, no energy to argue. Stevonnie gently smoothed her hair, putting stray tendrils back in place from when Spinel pulled on them relentlessly.

“Close your eyes,” Stevonnie whispered, running their fingers down her forehead encouragingly.

_“Focus.”_

The bright day faded out; the sound of the wind in the trees became muffled and hushed. It was dark, beyond her eyelids.

It was almost even safe.

Something landed on Spinel’s nose.

She sneezed, opening her eyes, then shrinking back in a mixture of awe and terror as her eyes focused on the millions of bright, glowing white butterflies in front of her.

Stevonnie’s voice, ever nurturing, was the one constant comfort in the swirling of terrifying thoughts and memories. “_Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love and trust._”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UP NEXT: We finally find out just how sh*tty the Diamonds are!! Translation: Hooray, we find out why Spinel is so f*cked up!


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